Letting Go and Letting God- Rosse's Version

Watched for the third time yesterday🫣 and still emotional. And as we get new perspective when we re-read any book, I got new light watching this for the third time. 

Remember how I dreamt to be in airforce. Liking Nuri shirt (it was Tabung Nuri by Bank Rakyat not sure now still exist or not) just because it reminds me of Nuri Airfighter Craft. Motif gila kan. Oh all the while heard multiple times about Nuri aircraft crushed, never single news shake me. Ended up being a medical student and announced to everyone during orientation day 'I dont want to be doctor, I want to be tentera udara'. Motif juga lagi macam 💩 bila ku ingat kahkah. Graduated medical school, thinking of joining military as a doctor. Met a military doctor in an event, inquired about it. 'Oh, started last year they do not open for grad outside UPNM anymore'. Wow, what a timing. Btw, I respect her (and others as her alike) that she didn't look down on me because of my height knowing that it would be so much at disadvantage. Not like somebody else. C you. 

Du'a=the light. 

Never once. Ever since I was child with that ambition, burning in my heart. Never once. Until I graduated. Never once. 

Never once I put that in my du'a. I can pray as it can make all things possible. Namun, tidak pernah terlintas di fikiran, tergerak di hati untuk berkata 'tuhan aku nak jadi tentera udara'. When I prayed to get excellent grades in every tests, never once He put the thought of asking that to Him. But the thing I always ask is to make me a good doctor, free my patients from my possible mistakes and not to harm them due to my shortness in knowledge. 

I wonder, why I never asked god that though I usually prayed for everything I desire. 

2:216

And everything falls perfectly to reason. To His knowing, the All-knowers, He plans everything and indeed it is the best plan. I again, put my trust and belief in You. 

Thank you, for showing it all at the end of 2022. Guide me to go through 2023. Ease my task, give me peace of heart. 

Allow me to be and do what You think is best for me and my akhirah🤍

Will I be praying for that now? 

No.

Sollu alan nabi

Have I'd been believing God Wrongly?

Maybe... I've had. 

BTW I'm posting today because one of my friend said she had seen me leaving my blog so long already haha. So gave some thought and decided to write this up. Hope it is beneficial (though she wanted and update about my travelling in Sabah. Haha. Maybe a later time for that one. Hehe)

Before that, salam wa rahmatullahi alaikum. Sollu alan nabi :)

*****

Recently I found this one aayah from Al-Quran very calming and soothing (and the most important part is it makes me rethink the degree of my reliant and dependancy to Allah). But yeah, it is Al-Quran, some of the aayah make you learn, some make you trembling with fear, some bring your mind to sanity, some to ease your heart. It works many ways but everything for reason to remind us of Allah. His greatness, loves and mercy He bestows upon us through Al-Quran.

*****

'...and I entrust my affair to Allah. Indeed, Allah is Seeing of (His) servants'

Al- Ghafir 40:44

***** 

We (I) always work thinking I am on my own so when trouble come I started to stressed-out, anxious, panic not knowing what to do. Sometime friends are helpful but what they have also limited. Then stressed-out again, feeling alone, want to quit, giving up and all. And the unhelpful person? Ughh..more stress. But you know, that is only what we think.

Imagine having someone telling you that He knows you. All about you. What is in your mind, what is happening to you, your feeling, your problems and even something that even you cannot fathom, He knows it all. And you know that He indeed knows! You know that He is indeed closer to you than your jugular vein. You know that He is always near, always there, always so helpful, always love, always want the best for you. Mashaallah, doesn't that lives up our spirit? Doesn't it takes away our burden and the hard feelings in our hearts?

So when I thought of that, I ponder if all this time or anytime in my life I had believing Him the wrong way to fill my crave and 'using' Him to my advantage.

As I read the aayah multiple times, I realize that I need to rely on Him, being hopeful to Him, believe in Him, trust Him better. Only Him, not even myself. Believe that come whatever may or whatever happen, all the things is in His hand and control. Trust Him that after all my hardwork (let say I work hard) but the result is not as what I wish it to be, I still believe that it is a good thing from god because, simply said it is from Him and remember? He knows His servant and always give only the best for His servants (Allah is Seeing of His servants).

Actually it helps. It does bring some sort of serene in your heart knowing (and believing) that someone is protecting you and having all your affairs taken care of and it keeps you composed and contented considering that whatever the outcome at the end of after a long day, it is all for the best. Not in my faculty of thought but in His 'significs' because you know, sometime my wish is only a greed.  

So, include Him when we want to start our works. Include Him everytime and in all our tasks. He is so reliable, so helpful, He has every single thing that we are in need of. Clearly it is only our lost if we didn't have Him in our day, right? How to have Him? 

Our intention. This aayah. Say it everytime you wanna begin something small or big. May it change our life bit by bit.

So, this is what I want to be in 2022.

A better believer. To trust Him better. To have Him in all my affairs. Give my best and leave the rest (result) to Allah. Inshaallah.

Bismillahi tawakkaltu alallah.

Now, come what my may, I got a Great God.

I entrust all my affairs to you, my Lord. So, make me happy with every single thing that You confer to me regardless of how unfavourable it seems to my eyes for You are the best giver.

I might stumble. Hold me tight. I might fall. Raise me up. 

*****

Thank you for reading this and till next post. 

Me gustas tu.

Oh yeah, I just lost my grandma that I love sooo dearly (we call her tok) last week (keeping myself calm now I still grieve from her lost). Please send her your prayers and to me too. When I went to visit her, she always said my masak merah is so good and the rice that I cook is nice or in her words, 'jadi elok' but I never took a hint. 

I'll miss you tok. Have a much much better meal in jannah. Ameen.

Life Lesson- Basic Class

Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh and hello everyone. 

Sollu alan nabi. 

 

Now we see again in my last post for this year although I’m hopeful it is not although it is impossible for Fathimah to write every week and Fathimah is not trying to. Haha. 

 

Recently (end of August) I was summoned to attend court (scheduled end Sept) in Ipoh for a hit-but-not-run case. Since it is in Ipoh it was a rare chance (and rare reason) to be back to semenanjung yayyy. Hometown yayyy. Long story short, the day came and Keningau-Gerik sure is a long journey. I had to drive from Keningau-Kota Kinabalu then take flight BKI-KLIA, stay KL for a night (to enjoy and hang out with friends), KL-Ipoh next day with close friend as she offered to drive me but real was she found reason to go to Ipoh so she can have her dim sum, stay Ipoh one night at my aunt’s place then at my sister’s for 2 nights. Attended court on Monday then only on Tuesday I travelled to Gerik by bus. Not a usual bus because apparently no bus express available due to covid-19 pandemic eii geram.  

 

So agree it was a long journey for me right? Traveller at heart (read: jiwa kental) je mampu. Reda je with whatever mean to reach place I called home, my family. Silap hari bulan, jalan kaki pun sanggup (no..joking..I don’t think so). 

 

Since it was a long solo trip, I ponder so many things since from Keningau. The journey was like a reminder to me with so many basic which we human tend to forget easily. That’s why in Al-Quran Allah mentioned that He give reminders repeatedly. Why? Because we remember then we forget. We do good but sometime we knowing or unknowingly do bad thing. And Allah also advice His servants to travel and to find hikmah from his nature and to take messages from previous people tainted or saint. 

Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah, during my journey this time Allah kept refreshing my heart and mind with His beautiful lessons from what I see and hear to what I do. Subhanallah.  

Here is my part to share with you, though basic but just as reminder for us to be a better person. 

 

Lesson 1: Help And Ease Each Other, Allah Will Ease You.  

Remember the saying if you ease other people affairs, Allah will ease your affair? 

As we all know and aware of, no police permit means no interstate travel. I went to police station 3 days before my flight although the documents all prepared way long before that. That was just how procrastinator get excited. Ready everything but never get thing done haha. So at the police station I expected everything to be smooth and it was smooth indeed. Alhamdulillah. Thanks to my patient. Yes, you read it right. 

Police 1: Iya Dr? (I don’t know how this first policeman knew I’m a doctor) 

IR: Mau minta kebenaran rentas negeri. 

Police 2: Eh, ini Dr yang operate saya kan? Bah..patut pun macam sa kenal nama Dr. 

IR: *Look at the nametag. Also notice small plaster over neck region* Oh iya..okay juga luka kau kan? Masih cuci ka? 

Police 2: Cuci di rumah saja Dr. Okay suda ni. 

P2 to P1: Kau jangan berani nda kasi lulus ah. Ni doktor yang operate aku ni. 

Police 1: Adehh..Baru ja sa nda mau kasi lulus Dr. Tapi sebab Dr. operate kawan sa terpaksa la sa cop. 

Then the policeman 1 signed and approved my permit without even checking at my documents. Not the kind of smooth that I imagined but of course, alhamdulillah. 

I forever thankful to god that my job is about helping people though sometime I garang and lot lot of times I still found it difficult to practice ikhlas with the real ikhlas and thus very challenging to be sabar sesabarnya. An evil inside me still need a long way :’) 

So when I meet this kind people, like these two policemen who didn’t hesitate to make things easier, short and sweet gitu, I really really wish and try to improve myself to be better. To serve better with a sincere, pure and compassionate heart.  

 

Lesson 2: Wake Up. Eyes on Road! 

As I mentioned up on this post, there are 2 routes (actually more but I familiar with these 2 only with shortest distance) to Kota Kinabalu you can take either Tambunan-KK or Kimanis-KK. Although Kimanis-KK has much faster ETA, I prefer Tambunan-KK because the scenery mashaallah so beautiful and not as sloppy.  

However, as I took the quite dangerous and brake-compromising route, my car almost slipped few times. Not because the technical factors but the scenery was so breathtaking! Alhamdulillah didn’t literally take my breath away though almost. The layers of mountain in shades of green under the beautiful blue sky with reflection of fluffy white cloud covering part of the mountain. Mashaallah subhanallah I can’t take my eyes of it luckily I considered the car in front of me and the slippery road as it was raining that day.  

Such is our temporary life. The life that is meant to prepare us for the hereafter.  Short. Beautiful but poisonous.

This world serve the best part of it, beautiful place that is so mesmerizing that it is unimaginable there is better place than that. Plenty good foods that it is unreachable to our mind how there is place with much much more amazing foods, drinks, forever-flowing river of milk, sweet grapes and whatever we wish for. A place eyes never seen of nor ears ever heard.

Because this temporary world accomodates us with most of our needs; home to stay, food to eat, success at work, money to keep living, people to hang out with and other things whether essential or auxiliary, us- the temporary impuissant human with faint heart become even more bleary in our view of life. Time to time, forget that the one and only reason we are ever created is as a servant to worship Him, the Glorious, the Creator. The world is for us to rule, not being the one ruled by this dunya and materialistic ideas. 

So, while having the taste of life, enjoying all it luxury, let us do it fully awake with right intention. Eyes on road, we haven't reach the real destination yet. Till then, focus on maintaining our faith and to seek His blessings. Be righteous. 

 

Lesson 3: Your Greatest Attorney, Have You Seen? 

It is scary when everyone go against you. Imagine literally everyone.in.this.world.

No one wanna speak for, defend, stand for or even be behind you. Basically it is you as an individual and others who gang up to push/bring you down. 

That is how it will be in the day of judgement. We are on our own. To each, their own affairs. 

The prophet can bestow his syafaat but first are we even qualified?

Al-Quran can become your attorney to present statements on your behalf, open your road to jannah but first are we reciting it enough?

 

Lesson 4: What We Have So Limited  

From KL-Gerik itself already energy drain. Before covid, I would take bus from KLIA-Ipoh the Ipoh-Gerik (both with express). However, during covid time, no bus express service provided from Ipoh-Gerik. Nasib baik la I traveller at heart so reda je la naik bas lompat-lompat macam zaman sekolah dulu haha

But turn out the 3 hours bus ride was not at all boring. Mashaallah.

And on the bus all the way from Ipoh to Lenggong, the driver was talking non-stop with a lady passenger and another man in his 50th. They seriously didn't stop talking even for a second. Usually I would be annoyed but this time I just enjoyed their conversations which sounds quite interesting and so related to us. One of it is this: 

From the driver himself, in Perak dialect but easily understandable; 'kita ni dah ada ulama semua. Kita pun dok kata dok setuju ulama tu waris nabi. Dah kalau kita kata gitu kita kena la ikut. Buat pa dok gaduh lagi..halal ka haram ka. Dah ulama kata halal dema dah kaji semua kita percaya. Kita ni bukan dok kaji pun. Orang dok tuduh macam-macam tu pun bukan dok mengkaji macam ulama. Kalau nak kira dosa ka bukan tanggungjawab kita dah la. Memang dema tugaih dok cek semua kaji semua baru kita dok yakin halal. Kalau tipu ka bukan salah kita dah la. Kita serah tugaih kat dema dah. Kita percaya pasai dema ulama. Kita orang biasa mana dok pandai. Memang la pun kerajaan tak paksa tapi kita kena pikir jugakk la kanm..vaksin bukan untuk kita sendiri ja. Untuk orang lain jugak. Senang urusan semua orang senang urusan kita kemudian hari,’ 

 

Ya Allah..god knows how I want to join in the uncle and hi-5. Not because we are in the same boat but because the way of thinking yang so community-oriented. 

Really, there is only so much that we can do. I can't take an engineer jobs. An engineer cannot take a teacher's jobs. A teacher cannot take a doctor's jobs. A doctor cannot take an ulama jobs. But, to maintain a good sustainable society that is good and reliable, we work hand-in-hand. We need to put trust in the people with their respective specialty. If not, then just like now, kucar kacir semua. Yang palatau satu hal, yang percaya the palatau satu hal. Geng teori konspirasi? Aduh. And as the people, we should be 'amanah' with our work so that the chain of believe is not broken. 

There is only so much and very little that we can afford because what we have is so limited. Done our part and leave the rest to His Almighty. Okay?

Begitulah, few lessons (or more like reminder) I got throughout my journey. It was a long journey but worthwhile. I miss travelling again and being reminded again.

Semoga Allah berada dalam setiap urusan kita. Amin.  

(update)

P/s: now interstate travelling is allowed, where are you going? Don't forget to look around and be thankful to God.

Till next post (read=next year. haha). Hopefully something good from this post!

Me gustas tu.